The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles

"The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles" is a musical number that is framed as a play performed by the cats to entertain Old Deuteronomy and directed by Munkustrap.

The cats dress up as various types of dogs in "homemade" costumes made of junk. They tell the story of how a big dog fight was averted by the Great Rumpus Cat.

Although the song was led by Munkustrap in all replica versions of the show prior, the 2016 Broadway revival and its subsequent tour saw it led by Gus, replacing "Growltiger's Last Stand". This change has also been incorporated into the International tour from 2017 onwards.

Context
Now that Old Deuteronomy has arrived at the Jellicle Ball, Munkustrap announces that the celebrations can truly begin:

 Jellicle Cats meet once a year On the night we make the Jellicle Choice And now that the Jellicle leader is here Jellicle Cats can all rejoice

The Cats perform a play narrated and directed by Munkustrap, who has clearly been rehearsing with the other characters and expects them to remember their cues. The "Matinee Lines" include Munkustrap saying "Hurry! Make Ready! Remember what I told you to do!" as he checks that various characters are in the right place and that they have their "Dog" costumes ready.

The performance does not go smoothly, the leader of the Pollicles steals a line from the leader of the Pekes, Tugger interrupts with bagpipes, the Rumpus Cat does not appear on cue. By the end of the performance, Old Deuteronomy is critical of the message of Munkustrap's play, saying:

 Jellicle cats and dogs all must, Pollicle dogs and cats all must, Like undertakers, come to dust

Meaning that Dogs and Cats are not so different - both are mortal at the end of the day.

Revised Version
The 2016 Broadway revival and subsequent US and UK tours gave this number a completely different context. Rather than have Gus the Theatre Cat go into a reverie and dream of his days playing Growltiger, Gus instead recalls having played the Rumpus Cat and goes on to perform the role once more, in real time not a dream, with the ensemble playing along.

Some parts of the original song are cut in this version (italicised in the Lyrics section), while also incorporating music from "Growltiger's Last Stand".

History
Most of the lyrics for this number are taken from T S Eliot's poem of the same name from Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats (1939). The "Tom Pollicle" bridge comes from an unpublished Eliot poem titled "The Marching Song of the Pollicle Dogs". Old Deuteronomy's sombre lines at the end are taken from another Eliot poem titled "Lines to a Yorkshire Terrier" from Five-Finger Exercises (1933).

Since the early 2000s, the line "heathen Chinese" is often replaced with "winsome Chinese". In the 2016 UK Tour, the line was "foreign Chinese" instead.

Lyrics
 Of the Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles Together with some account Of the participation of the Pugs and the Poms And the intervention of the Great Rumpus Cat

The Pekes and the Pollicles, everyone knows, Are proud and implacable passionate foes; It is always the same, wherever one goes. And the Pugs and the Poms, although most people say That they do not like fighting, yet once in a way, They will now and again join in to the fray And they

Bark, bark, bark, bark Bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you can hear them all over the Park.

And they

Bark, bark, bark, bark Bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you can hear them all over the Park.

Now on the occasion of which I shall speak Almost nothing had happened for nearly a week (And that's a long time for a Pol or a Peke). The big Police Dog was away from his beat - I don't know the reason, but most people think He'd slipped into the Wellington Arms for a drink -

And no one at all was about on the street When a Peke and a Pollicle happened to meet. They did not advance, or exactly retreat, But they glared at each other, and scraped their hind feet, And started to

Bark, bark, bark, bark Bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you could hear them all over the Park.

And they

Bark, bark, bark, bark Bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you could hear them all over the Park.

Now the Peke, although people may say what they please, Is no British Dog, but a Heathen Chinese. And so all the Pekes, when they heard the uproar, Some came to the window, some came to the door; There were surely a dozen, more likely a score.

And together they started to grumble and wheeze In their huffery-snuffery Heathen Chinese. But a terrible din is what Pollicles like, For your Pollicle Dog is a dour Yorkshire tyke.

There are dogs out of every nation, The Irish, the Welsh and the Dane; The Russian, the Dutch, and Dalmatian, And even from China and Spain; The Poodle, the Pom, the Alsatian And the Mastiff who walks on a chain.

And to those that are frisky and frollical Let my meaning be perfectly plain: That my name it is Little Tom Pollicle - And you'd better not do it again.

And his braw Scottish cousins are snappers and biters, And every dog-jack of them notable fighters; And so they stepped out, with their pipers in order, Playing "When the Blue Bonnets Came Over the Border".

Then the Pugs and the Poms held no longer aloof, But some from the balcony, some from the roof, Joined in to the din with a

Bark, bark, bark, bark Bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you could hear them all over the Park.

Huffery-snuffery, huffery-snuffery (bark, bark, bark, bark) Huffery-snuffery, huffery-snuff (bark, bark, bark, bark)

Until you could hear them all over the Park.

(Barking) No!

Now when these bold heroes together assembled, The traffic all stopped, and the Underground trembled, And some of the neighbours were so much afraid That they started to ring up the Fire Brigade. When suddenly, up from a small basement flat, Why who should stalk out but the GREAT RUMPUS CAT.

His eyes were like fireballs fearfully blazing, He gave a great yawn, and his jaws were amazing; And when he looked out through the bars of the area, You never saw anything fiercer or hairier.

And what with the glare of his eyes and his yawning, The Pekes and the Pollicles quickly took warning. He looked at the sky and he gave a great leap - And they every last one of them scattered like sheep.

And when the Police Dog returned to his beat, There wasn't a single one left in the street.

All hail and all power to the GREAT RUMPUS CAT!

International Versions

 * Czech
 * French
 * German